a wise man once told me, “keep going and never look back.” his tone was deep and serious, with pauses punctuating each word. his expression appeared blank, but underneath was something I couldn’t see, only sensed.

at the time, I was in the impressionable state of youth, and didn’t take seriously the gravity with which he spoke, but in hindsight I see it all. I understand.

we were at a restaurant in Los Angeles, a table of three. he could’ve been talking to either of us or just more generally, but, as the years passed, the statement stayed with me.

as a child, beginning at the age of three, I was reared in a Japanese style of musical learning, a pedagogical tradition which prioritized sonic learning and rote memorization. as I got older, I forgot how profound of an impact this had on me, though the acumen formed and developed.

it wasn’t until confronted by the trials and tribulations of the Saturn Return that the memories, and what they meant, returned. whilst living in New York, during the pandemic, I even bought a violin to reacquaint myself with the music composition that colored most of my childhood.

twice a week, I partook in violin lessons. one day with a group of similar-aged peers, mostly white and homeschooled, and the other day private instruction. the group lessons were formal, yet relaxed.

there wasn’t much room for one-off dialogue or side conversations, as we all knew the routine and what was expected from each of us. also, there didn’t exist a competitiveness to outperform one another, or maybe there did, but I didn’t sense it.

more than a hundred years ago, the term “inner child” was coined by Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung, and has since reemerged in popular culture.

the whole purpose of inner child work is to excavate the shadow parts of yourself neglected in childhood. it can be frightening work, but I like to imagine it as the repurposing of self.

of course there are practical aspects of inner child work such as prioritizing play, but, for me, much of the work is getting back to the essence. it’s a probing of sorts that leads to a deeper connection to yourself and to the world around you.

personally, I am not too fond of the term “inner child” and don’t use it in my everyday language. for me, it’s haunting. the two words combined, when spoken, evoke an eeriness.

perhaps, contingent upon how connected you are to your past experiences, you, too, may resonate with this sentiment. undoubtedly, there is a spiritual dimension connected to this feeling. it’s the foremost reason I pray, so I can understand more intimately.

I mention the violin anecdote at the beginning to demonstrate how I was shaped and learned in a relatively normal fashion, yet the rhythm of routine still made its way to haunt me, even after all these years.

that’s what the Saturn Return ultimately does to you. it coerces you to look at everything, as if you’re looking through a glass prism—it’s multidimensional.

we’re living in an age of increased self-awareness, for better or worse, and are in constant interrogation with ourselves, our lived experiences, and the meaning of it all.

I say for better or worse because too much introspection can lead to increased anxiety and even bouts of depression. but, when healing the inner child, it can lead to a renewed sense of self.

healing the shadow parts of yourself is haunting, especially for people of color who carry generational trauma.

however, it can also be empowering to reclaim the parts of your narrative you had no control over as you matriculated through life.

I often find myself looking at old photos from when I was younger, thinking of who I was at the time and how my views changed.

it’s incredibly healing to affirm the person you once were—to give yourself grace, compassion, and empathy for what you didn’t know. it is to know that, through the currents of change, there is always a part of yourself you must reserve for forgiving.

self-preservation isn’t actively taught to us when we are young, but it should. as someone who is part of the Disney generation (millennials), we were reared with self-expression.

presumably, it’s why so many millennials have gone on to be industry disruptors and innovators, creating things out of sheer imagination. for me, it’s been through eating and food.

if you’re in your Saturn Return and feeling out of sorts, I recommend looking at old photos of yourself and thinking back to that time: what were your likes and dislikes; what were you connected or averse to; what were your favorite meals; and even tastes in music. food and music are exceptional pairings, as they have the ability to conjure positive thoughts and memories.

reclaiming your younger self is the most powerful thing you can do. if you find yourself haunted by the inner child work, don’t resist. all it means is that you’re on the path to doing it right.

anyways, I hope this helps.

love & madness,